Tuesday, July 1, 2014

My anchor holds

I want to be outside today.  The sun is shining brightly.  It's so warm that I think I could get three whole loads of laundry dry on the clothesline.  There are raspberries to pick, flower beds and the garden to water and weed, the lawn to mow.  I want to peek at my tomatoes to see if they're ripening, and look at the progress the beans have made up their poles.  I want to cut bouquets of hydrangeas and put them in every room of the house.

Instead, I'm lying down, resting and recovering from another miscarriage.   

Who knew this would be part of my story?  Two miscarriages in seven months.

I am reminded of a conversation Mark and I had when we went away for our anniversary.  I told him that one of the things I was thankful for was that my faith was strong throughout the miscarriage.

I don't feel so strong this time.

I feel wounded by the Lord.  After several years of longing and sorrow, we had come to a place of surrender regarding our state of not-being-able-to-get-pregnant.  We had accepted that as part of our reality and we were truly content.  Then, in the winter of last year: the precious, miraculous news that we were expecting.  Such joy and anticipation and thankfulness.  And then, the baby died.

Again, in late spring: another positive pregnancy test.  I was fearful, and cautious in my hope.  But it grew- the baby within me and the hope in my heart.  And now both have been taken away.  It seems cruel.

I know better.  God is not cruel.  I know the truth of who He is but I am struggling to hold onto it.

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When the bleeding started this time, one of my first thoughts was at least I have Mark, I have our five children; I still have them.  That is an honest peek into my soul that should have simply rested in the fact that I have Jesus.  HE is my portion.  My hope is built upon HIM.  Not on anything or anyone else.

I've been listening to this song on repeat:

My hope is built on nothing less than
Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly trust in Jesus' Name

Christ alone, Cornerstone,
weak made strong, in the Saviors love
through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale 
my anchor holds within the veil

and this song, too:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand


And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

* * *

22 comments:

  1. Oh, Stacy. How my heart aches for you. I had been praying for another baby for you and Mark and now to hear that you had that hope and lost it is so sad. I will be praying that the Lord enables your whole family to put your rest and trust and hope in Him.

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    1. Katie,
      Thank you so much. I am so grateful to know you have prayed for us. Your kindness truly blesses and encourages me. Thank you. (((hugs)))
      ~Stacy

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  2. oh dear sweet Stacy - my heart is so heavy to hear this sad news. We are praying for your family that God would send His Comforter in a mighty way to bring peace and healing to your broken hearts. Sending all our love and many hugs xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Lucy. And thank you for your prayers.
      Love to you,
      ~Stacy

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  3. Dear Sweet Stacy, I am so very sorry for your loss. You are blessed to have Faith in Our Savior. The only true comfort. Thank you for sharing your trials and triumphs. I will be praying for His peace.

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    1. Oh, Carolynn,
      Thank you. Love to you, friend.
      ~Stacy

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  4. Oh this breaks my heart. I am so sad for you. I keep praying.

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  5. Thank you for your vulnerability, Stacy! I can relate to what you are saying, since we’ve been having recent fertility issues and would love to have more than the three children that we already have. I am giving each day to Him, knowing that He will either meet our desire and somehow allow us to have more, or take the desire away. Either way, I know we sure appreciate the children we do have more now because of it. Hugs to you.

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    1. Oh, Elizabeth. Thank you for your comment. I will pray for you. Love to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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  6. oh, i am just sick with a heavy heart for you and your precious family. big hugs ... tears ... and, healing. keep thinking of you after reading this. praying for inexplicable peace.

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  7. I'm so sorry, Stacy...I'll be praying as the Lord brings you to mind. He IS the solid rock. All other ground is sinking sand. Hugs--Jess O.

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    1. Thank you, Jess. You're so kind and your comments are always so encouraging. Blessings to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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  8. Thank you for sharing this with us, Stacy. We are with you in mind and spirit, praying for your recovery and your comfort. xoxo

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    1. Heather,
      Thank you, sweet friend.
      ~Stacy

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  9. Heart-heavy and teary here, friend. Thank you for sharing. May we be your Aaron and Hur as we lift you to the Lord in prayer- and may you feel His comfort and strength and peace flow through your being as you heal... love you. (((sweet Stacy)))

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    1. Thank you, dear Elise.
      (((Love to you.)))
      ~Stacy

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  10. Oh! How very sad, Stacy! Please know that I will be lifting you up in prayer, for healing and for comfort, for peace, for those around you to care for you well. I'm so sorry.

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    1. Thank you, sweet Rebecca. I appreciate that so much! Such love to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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  11. Stacy, friend. I have been away too long, missed so much. I am so terribly sorry to hear of your sorrowful loss. I am praying for you, sister. Standing in the gap, when it hurts too much to pray... we are here. Loving you and deeply sorry for the loss of your precious children.

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    1. Stacey!
      So good to see your sweet face up there^ :) Thank you for your kind and compassionate words, friend. Love to you,
      ~Stacy

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